Black_app

Today. I laughed.

Merryment of merryment I laughed.
Oh foul fated hillarity.
Like a knife to the soul.
There was nothing to do but laugh.

How i’ve missed it. Every night is a wretched terror for me... but morning. Oh ye fine Gods how I love it. No fear about the night, no sweating and burning for fear of sleep, just a beautiful light in the sky and a sense of peace. No tenseness, no scratching no shifting in confusion and fear. No crying in the dark too afraid to try to sleep for fear of the return of something vile and frightening.
I’ve never been a fan of the night. I respect it, I watch it, I walk it. But I will never be happy with it. I shift in it back and forth through the shadows knowing that I do not belong there. Even in places I have lived for my whole life my body chills over as I walk through darkness, with the unnerving sense that something else is out there even if I know that I should be alone.
Even the band of grass at my farm, so often fused with light from torch or the house, that breaks off into darkness twenty meters off. I watch it and I know I shall not walk beyond where that light touches. I see my dogs bounding swiftly in and out, carroling to each other as they weave their way in the shadows and I do not follow. I cannot follow. Oh morning light... I do miss thee.

It's 3am, and i'm feeling physically ill. I'm not sure if i've guilted myself this way, or if it is something i've eaten. I did eat some tofu earlier, and generally that doesn't help.

It was a horrid horrid day. I won't go into further details. I feel rattled right now, but i'm beginning to realise that sometimes in life, things that happen and make me feel shitty, actually aren't my fault. Go figure.

If I throw up I don't work. Hmm. It's almost tempting to throw up just because... ha ha. No, it's not. I want the money, and I don't enjoy being sick. Throw up is so gross. It makes me want to throw up more. I'm sadly beginning to do that burping thing (TMI? Oh well) that has that gross bad taste to it. Tossing and turning in bed since i've been in bed (I've already been in bed for like 5 hours, thats disgusting in itself!).

Well at least today is a new day, and a damned hot one. But it can't be worse then yesterday.

The weekend was good. I got another llama for my collection, which is always nice. I kept missing my classes because I was judging so I forgot to put my horses in their classes. That rather well sucked, and the competition blew my stuff out of the water. I just don't have the money to put into showing. *sighs* And even the stuff thats beautiful and rare of mine, isn't beautiful or rare enough. It's a bit disgusting and frustrating.

I am a bit tired and definately not looking forward to work. But ya know... at least Work will be over come August. I've survived this long, I can do some more.

And on Tuesday night, my parents are gone for the evening. Wheee... hopefully that should be nice and relaxing.

So i'm leaving today. Yup. You heard me. Leaving. For the weekend. Heading down to Lethbridge today (after lunch. Works gonna go by SOOO slow). For a model horse show. I'm sure someone will post incriminating pictures of me. But I sincerely hope not.

Why is it that whenever I need to sleep I can't? I definately did not sleep well last night. And it pisses me off. I went to bed at 10:35. And was up until around 12:30, tossing, turning. AND then when I did fall asleep I had a dream about how I failed English and Chemistry in University. It was such a nightmare and it left me feeling paniced and weird. Which is unpleasant.

Whats worse is that I never did take Chem in Uni. So what the fuck?

Yesterday was very hot. I didn't enjoy it. Today will be less hot, I hope I enjoy it more. Plus i'm only working the morning (hee hee).

Sunday of this weekend will be spent in Calgary at Spruce Meadows. It should be a blast! I'm taking my sleeping pills and ear plugs to Bobbies though. Heh.

32 degree Celsius = 89.6 degree Fahrenheit

Damn you world.

Our usual for this time of year is 25 degrees (roughly 75-80 if i'm not mistaken).

Crapshit. Thats hot (hot for me!). I'm taking lots of water, sunscreen and i'm praying that I don't die of kidney failure. Wish me luck!

Sometimes I wonder.

From Wednesday:

Anyways. I'm tired. I was in the basement at work today under the stairs (cleaning), and some guy ran down, whipped out his dick and stated to piss to my left. And I in my horrified state yelled "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING?" and he turned, STILL PEEING, and then ran back up the stairs shoving it back in. Whilst reporting this to my boss, my boss just chuckled nervously and said "Don't worry about it too much."

I have a feeling there is a lot of basement peeing going around. Disgusting.
The porta potties were THREE HOUSES AWAY on either side. Blech. I'm so disturbed. It's not like I care about seeing a guy (i've seen it before, art class and all), but really. It's disgusting. PEOPLE WORK DOWN THERE. Mud from that house has touched my hands! YUCK.

From Yesterday:

Now the boss I had told was Cody. Our combined boss is Brad. Brad broke his ankle doing a flip off a balconey in Jasper at the company golf retreat (boys only, ho hum). And so he's a bit gibbled. WELL, long story short, yesterday I was driving along and then BANG there's Brad taking a whizz behind one of the houses.

For fucks sake.

And damn that stupidly awesome thunderstorm that I couldn't enjoy because I was trying to sleep.

Waking up with a headache sucks. My head is hurting and I want to just curl up and go back to sleep. But I have to go to work. In construction... and pray that my head doesn't explode.

Fuck.

On that note, my job is getting mildly better. It's not so awful anymore and it's becoming bearable, but I freaked out yesterday a bit when a friend who also works there (who sadly I don't get to work with) was like "Oh, well you know after this they'll probably just hire you."

Ugh. Run away! I'd have to buy a truck if that was the case, something i'm not overly keen on doing. Mrgle.

Breakfast calls. I'm working in the 'Bend this morning so I don't need to leave the house for another 50 minutes. Mmm So glorious.

Slowly, silently, now the moon
Walks the night in her silver shoon;
This way, and that, she peers, and sees
Silver fruit upon silver trees;
One by one the casements catch
Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;
Couched in his kennel, like a log,
With paws of silver sleeps the dog;
From their shadowy coat the white breasts peep
Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;
A harvest mouse goes scampering by,
With silver claws, and silver eye;
And moveless fish in the water gleam,
By silver reeds in a silver stream.

It's raining outside, it's been raining most of the night. Work is going to suck. It's going to be muddy, and awful and gross.

I'll post an update after work. Hopefully I get off an hour early on Friday here tood. My sunburn at least won't get worse today.

Tonight I'm gonna play some WOW and hopefully level to 50.

July 26th.

Out Door Concert.
Ed Fest.

Great Big Sea.

I'm going.
And the angels are singing. And i'm doing a little dance. Thankyou very much Alanna, this is going to be fucking awesome!

I think it's now come to a parting of ways.
Too much. Too much.
She wandered down the green road long ago.
Too much.
Adios.

Yesterday was actually good.
Today will be less good. Femininity is sucktastic, and the porta poties at work still scare me.
I can only pray the day goes fast and that I don't die.

I'm afraid of getting some wretched disease from there. But at least i'm closer to home. Today I will remember to bring a book to read at lunch. The guys at this place (all two of them) seem much nicer and more intelligent.

Today is the first day i'm actually hoping to do a lot of sweeping. But instead i'll be building temp walks and garbage bins (just mdf ones, not like anything cool and metal), and maybe sweeping. My arms hurt from using a sledge hammer to pound in stakes yesterday. But at least i'm getting better at doing so. I think the only reason I hurt from that is because of the one time I missed... heh.

I hate work.
Rescue me someone?

Tuffy,

You were 43. You were a horse.
You were black, but so old that your soft coat was covered in white.
You had few teeth.
But you had a heart.
We all loved you. And you loved us. You gave and you gave and you gave. You did everything you could for the children you worked with. You were beautiful. You were kind. You were loved.

I hope your path down the green road will serve you well. We will miss you.

Maz, you made my day amazing. Thankyou so much. Tazzie Tiger man is going to live on my computer and will protect me from monsters in the ight. He's so cool!

I'm still debating on where to go. And when to go. I'm thinking 3 weeks sounds like a good amount of time to travel around Aus... what do you all think? (Yes, I do still want to go to Aus).

It wasn't a bad day at work (yay), but the morning was boring (blech, cleaning, BLECH). But they're giving me more responsibility/varied work now and it's getting a bit better.

HOWEVER.
You know those air vents that you have in your home... the ones in the floor that hot air comes out of... well I fell through one of those. Up to my mid thigh on the one leg. And the flesh on the inside of my calf is scraped/deep tissue damaged and there's a chunk about 4 inches square on the outside of my thigh that is also bruised deeply. It hurts like all get out, and i'm stiff and sore, and it hurts to walk, hurts to sit, hurts to do anything right now. It's one of those lovely throbbing pains.

Karla (the dog that ate my phone) jumped up and pawed me in the face and cut my lip and scratched down my chin. I look rugged with scrapes/scars, but still, that fucking hurts.

I'm tentatively planning to go to Britain/the isles or France. Unfortunately Aus just won't pan out, and going to Britain would oddly drop the cost of the trip by quite a bit. Who knows.
I'm trying to figure things out.

Edited to Add:

Okay. My hair is hating work. It gets frizzy from being out in the wind/rain and from my head sweat (it's fucking hot especially if you're wearing a hard hat), and yeah... combined with the dust and dirt from all my chores, my hair is suffering. For the last 15 years of it's life it's been washed every other day. For the past two years it's been washed/conditioned every other day.
And now? It's being done every day and it's hating me. I really feel that my current finesse conditioner isn't doing a good enough job. Any ideas? (Oh and Igg, there's a couple Lush's in Edmonton, so tell me if they have anything of use).

Too much is changing. Camp has been cancelled this year. I wasn't working there anyways, but i'm still crushed.

I miss being told that i'm loved.

I miss my friends at school, I miss the people who make me laugh. I still hate my job. Every day things just get worse.

Where is this new life?

I don't want to grow up.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to be 23.
I don't want to be done school.
I don't want to be back in Edmonton.
I don't want to lose my home.

But I know that I am losing.
I need help.